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J.F.K. Pan American Airlines baggage check. (1976)

In the thirty years that have past, pretty much everything has changed but that travertine floor, make a mental note of that for later.

O.k. so it's the Summer of 76, I'm 15 year old kid heading home for Summer vacation in the States.

Lady in front of me is next up to bat, she prepares her carry-on adjusts her purse. The ticket agent waives her forward, she dutifully genuflects to grab her largest piece of luggage and advance to the counter.

She *could cover this cordoned-off, no-mans expanse of smooth, cool, polished Indiana Limestone in 6 easy steps, then she'd be at the counter, the agent would stamp her ticket, weigh her bag and she'd be on her way....

But that's not what's gonna happen today.

The lady in the Pin-striped 'Power Business' suit of 1976, with the blonde medium hair-cut, but no Farrah Bang-Wings, -this lady's hair was styled more like Sabrina Duncan's the "Smart Angel". She takes one, two, three steps... Then as she lifts her shoulders to place her carry-on atop the counter, the weight visibly shifts, her bag doesn't exactly topple, as much as bobble, and as she over corrects it's weight distribution. For one specific period of time, an extremely large, black, dildo becomes weightless and has migrated from the one and only corner of the carry-on where the zipper is puckered and unzipped. The Dildo is free now, and it seems to have a fair amount of momentum.

The crowd, -at first startled by the pretty womans struggle with the bag, now looks on dreamily, -in a sort of dazed hypnotic astonishment, -as if she were playing a flute and this were a hooded Cobra rising up from her bag.


Surely, time had slowed down at this point, because, as this thing sprang loose from the carry-on bag, the end-cap shot straight-up into the air, like a champaign cork and that great beastie of a thing was spring loaded with big-ass blue & yellow "D-size" Ray-O-Vac Bat'rees, the ones with that had the 9-lives cat on 'em.

And the whole works did a lazy slow-motion 180 the Batteries were ejected to the upright position this thing was like a roman candle 1, 2, 3 of them shot out, the crowd drew back, forearms raised, a 4th shot out and then the huge rubber snake lie there on the stark white floor shuddering first, and then it assumed th form of an inanimate object, -at least as inanimate as a jet-black gigantic gelatinous Penis shaped thng can be.

Worse, each of the yellow and blue Ray-O-Vac paper-wrapped Batteries were now slowly rolling away from the Pan-Am counter towards the expanse of Windows some 60 yards away, demonstrating the perfectly angled pitch of the floor, they rolled at just slower than walk speed, giving passers by plenty of time to step out of their way.

The lady in the Pin-striped 'Power Business' suit, -as quickly as she could, -for time had also slowed down for her as well. -Reached down to snatch up the hujongously massive black-as-coal schlong and immediately tried to stuff it back into the carry-on bag, but without the batteries, the thing was too gelatinous she would get the end of it in and then it would just fold up, she eventually opened her bag and made room, to stretch it out flat. This imagery was not lost on the crowd either.

A sweet little girl had gone and retrieved the On/Off battery cap at the end and given it to the nice Lady in the Pin-striped 'Power Business' suit who tucked the cap in her bag, zipped it up grabbed her ticket book, thanked the agent and went on her way.

I've regaled this story a dozen times, but there's one thing I never tell...

If there were 150 people within eye-shot then there were at least 50 people that saw the whole thing. and of the 50 of them, at least half of 'em knew exactly what was going on.

But there wasn't even a single snicker, no guffaws, titters, which is why to this day, whenever I fly, I -Never- and I mean NEVER fail to pack the biggest Blackest dildo I can find.

I figure, no matter WHAT happens to you while flying, if you look like you are about to get into and embarrassing situation of any kind, all you have to do is "accidentally" let the dildo clatter to the floor, BRILLIANT!

For real though.. She was probably just buying it as a gag gift for a friend.
(This is a true story, and related pretty much exactly as it happened)

This only barely makes my top 10 "Airport" stories, I just thought I've already got the short blocked out in my mind. steady-cam for the 1stP POV, boom for the long-shot. Dolly shot for the rolling batteries.. Gotta love it. $15,000 three-days, you got the Mother of all European Battery Commercials. "Hapi-Jus"!

End of Boxing in America.

Well, Leavander Johnson had a hell of a run right up through the year 2000, -not so good in the last 5 years, 35 is "seasoned" for a Boxer, -but he was no bum, nor was he an "old man".

I was going to tick off a few of the more memorable cases, but Manuel Velazquez, maintains a "Death by Boxing" archive, you can check it out here.

http://ejmas.com/jcs/jcsart_svinth_a_0700.htm

I'm calling this passing of Leavander Johnson the Final Round of boxing in America.

It would have been different, had the Sport been 'managed', if there had been a single cohesive force, working on safety, or at least prepared for tradgedies like this, but sadly, that hasn't been the case.

RITA! Let the Bush Bashing Begin!

Joe Biden is a smarmy arrogant prick.

Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del.) -A true loser's loser, the epitome of the "Hate-Bush" Left. He's Arrogant, condescending, rude, crass, overbearing and all in all, he carries himself as such, in fact, one might say he cultivates the image of a "prick".

Biden never misses an opportunity to telegraph his very high-regard for himself.
Nor does he constrain his rude mannerisms, sarcasms and self-centered arrogance.
-Witness his treatment of colleagues that DON'T kiss his urbane ass.

When you see Senator Joe Biden going about his business on the Hill, you see a petty partisan obstructionist miscreant. Biden seems to take a devilish glee in making trouble.

"O.k. Justice Roberts, -just continue to not answer questions then..."

Biden knows DAMNED WELL that there is -no- precedent in these proceedings for a Justice to speak about how he MAY or MAY NOT rule in a case that may come bfore the Courts, he even knows that Justice Robert's CAN'T answer these types of questions, -does it stop him from making it look like Roberts is playing some sort of game?

It's time to mention Slick Willy asking for the definition of "is".

Apparently Biden has taken to playing the role of the Dems 'Gillooley' to Pelosi's Tanya Harding. -Of course Biden likes to *pretend* he is far more erudite than all that. -Staring down the end of his nose and making blatantly rude comments 'as he did to Justice Roberts'; "O.k. just continue to not answer questions then..."

What has Joe Biden ever done for America? It's a good question.. Can -YOU- think of anything? At least Biden is going after users of steroids!

For that matter, what have Kerry and Boxer done? The Democrat Harpies (Biden included) treated Condoleezza like she was some sort of female Eddie Murphy from "Trading Places". I was surprised when they didn't ask to see her teeth at the Confirmation hearings.

Biden is a consummate OBSTRUCTIONIST, He's done nothing but -thwart- progress on the Foreign Relations Committee, -has contributed NOTHING but red-tape. He does NOTHING to facilitate progress.

Biden seems to have this penchant for "playing stupid" -for having everything explained to him 7 times, These are all affectations of course, he does it to place the focus of attention on himself, a true piker.

Now what sort of people elect a whackjob like that?

-But take all of my personal contempt for him and set it aside.

Joe Biden is -not- what you'd call "Down to Earth" and in times like these we can all see why "Down to Earth" is a virtue.

Biden is an adjunct professor of law at Widener, a "Constitutional Scholar"

-Did I mention that Joe Biden is a smarmy, arrogant, prick?

Hamid Karzai wants to change up the tactics

Well good for him, Iraq is to Afghanistan, as, -A day at the Water-slide Park is to "Deliverance" Okay? Well, that might be stretchin' it a bit, but the trVth is, Afghanistan is one hujongous region of bad-asses. -Bottom line for Karzai right now, HE NEEDS MONEY. I trust him with whatever he can get. He's not saying it, but he needs Paki help too. And Musharif has a tough time when he makes overtures to Afghanistan. As he does with India. Can the Pakistani people please just *evolve a little but faster? -Please?

-Check out the article:

*Excerpt*
Afghan President Hamid Karzai says the US and other international forces need to reconsider their approach to bringing peace to Afghanistan.
Violence largely blamed on the Taleban has claimed at least 1,000 lives this year - the worst toll since 2001.
He said there had to be a focus on "the sources of terrorism" where extremists get their training and inspiration.
Many Afghans will interpret that as meaning neighbouring Pakistan, from where militants often launch attacks.
Pakistan, meanwhile, has offered to build a fence along the border with Afghanistan to prevent the movement of militants.

In an interview with the BBC, Mr Karzai said the US military strategy since the fall of the Taleban had not failed, in spite of the recent increase in violence.

Louisiana

Louisiana 1927
Artist: Randy Newman
Album: Good Old Boys


What has happened down here is the wind have changed
Clouds roll in from the north and it started to rain
Rained real hard and rained for a real long time
Six feet of water in the streets of Evangeline

The river rose all day
The river rose all night
Some people got lost in the flood
Some people got away alright
The river have busted through clear down to Plaquemines
Six feet of water in the streets of Evangeline

CHORUS
Louisiana, Louisiana
They're tyrin' to wash us away
They're tryin' to wash us away
Louisiana, Louisiana
They're tryin' to wash us away
They're tryin' to wash us away

President Coolidge came down in a railroad train
With a little fat man with a note-pad in his hand
The President say, "Little fat man isn't it a shame
what the river has done to this poor crackers land."